Udgivet den af Martin Martensen-Larsen

DROP MIG NØGEN

Nøgenhed kan tilsyneladende altid skabe debat. Dette uagtet, at vores homo habilis-ophav for et par millioner år siden ikke havde synderlig meget kluns på kroppen, og at det moderne menneske siden har smidt klæderne ved alle tænkelige lejligheder. Sådan er det bare. Det er bare så skidefrækt.

Af samme årsag har programmet ’Date mig nøgen’ på TV2 Zulu helt naturligt allerede opnået fin omtale i forskellige medier og nok også givet anledning til en frisk bemærkning eller to i kantinen på en del arbejdspladser.

Gennem årene har jeg set et hav af datingprogrammer. Og har tabt mit hjerte til mange af dem. Det gælder særligt ’Singleliv’ på kanal 4 som har kørt siden enevælden. Personer som Putte, Numse-Rasmus og Claus fra Ølgod er fucking helte og fortjener Nobelprisen i reality. Jeg elsker dem!

Det betyder så også, at der i dag skal noget helt ekstraordinært til, hvis jeg skal få tårer i øjnene.

Lad os se på det så.

Konceptet ’Date mig nøgen’ er i virkeligheden ganske simpelt. Foran ugens håbefulde single – det skifter fra uge til uge mellem en mand og kvinde – står fem nøgne menneskekroppe i hver sit neonfarvede glasbur. Først ser vi ben og genitalier, så slutter mave og bryst sig til og til sidst afsløres ansigtet. Den fremmødte single skal så vælge kroppe fra indtil der kun er to tilbage. Før det endelige valg mellem de sidste to, smider singlen selv alt tøjet. Hele processen styres fast af værtinden Ibi Makienok aka Ibi Støvring aka René Difs ekskæreste aka tidligere Paradise Hotel-vært aka tidligere medlem af pigebandet Milc aka alt muligt andet, som undervejs synes at more sig kostelig over det flotte galleri af nervøst sammenkrøbne tissemænd. Det er næsten overflødigt at nævne, at hun naturligvis selv er fuldt påklædt og ligesom alle andre værter på sådanne programmer aldrig kunne drømme om at træde ned på deltagernes niveau.

Denne gang møder vi 33-årige Lene fra Esbjerg, som har været single i hele 3 måneder. – Hvad leder du så efter, spørger værtinden Ibi. – En god pik. Og så er vi i gang. Fem gange glatbarberet slap diller bliver nu præsenteret for Lene og umiddelbart virker hun positiv. Størrelsesmæssig er vi ikke helt op og ringe, men det hele er vist gennemsnitligt dansk. Dog lægger hun hurtigt mærke til en af dem og siger grinende: – Den er vist krøbet i ly, hva’, haha. Det er stakkels 38-årige Michael, som ikke overraskende bliver den glade modtager af aftens første nakkeskud. En anden af fyrene bliver til gengæld rost for at have ’en bred penis’, for som hun siger ’når den er stiv, så er den god til at fylde én ud’.

Så er der fire tilbage. Nu skal Lene og seerne møde Jannick. På dette tidspunkt kan man stadig kun se ben og skridt, men det er også ganske tilstrækkeligt. I skridtet har han nemlig fået tatoveret et par flagrende elefantører, et par stødtænder og nogle rasende øjne, mens hans egen medfødte vedhæng fungerer som snabel. Samlet minder hans underliv om en rabies-ramt elefant. I et efterfølgende interview oplyser han, at han har fået ideen fra den engelske udgave af programmet ’Naked attraction’, hvor en anden deltager havde samme tatovering. Med andre ord originalt og velovervejet. Lene selv virker ikke videre begejstret for nærkontakt med det store og vrede pattedyr fra Savannen: – ’Så skal jeg tænkte på den, hver gang jeg skal ned og sutte hans pik’, reflekterer hun.

Anyway, da afsløringen er nået til deltagerens overkrop og Lene opdager, at Jannick såmænd også har fået tatoveret ’mænd er guds gave’ med ægte amager-font henover brystkassen, er det blevet tid til at stede Jumbo til hvile.

Så er de tre tilbage. Da ansigterne herefter bliver afsløret, er de snart to. Nu skal de to resterende ungersvende udspørges lidt. Hvad kan du bedst li’ ved dig selv? spørger Ibi den ene. – Mine mørke testikler, svarer han. What. Hvad fuck snakker han om? Med mindre han har tænkt sig at flashe dem i byen eller har hede drømme om at blive seksuelt misbrugt af to liderlige egern, så er nødderne det mest meningsløse som ’favorit-træk’. Den anden skal omvendt svare på, hvad han mindst han lide ved sig selv: – Mine ankler.

For helvede.

Det ændrer ikke på, at tilbage står noget der kropsmæssigt minder om græsk statue med et ganske nydeligt ansigt (Morten) overfor noget der nok er mere Disney-agtigt (jeg kan simpelthen ikke huske hans navn) og seeren er efterladt i åndeløs spænding over Lenes endelig valg. Forinden skal hun dog lige smide kludene selv og fyrene, som er trådt ud fra deres bure og ud på gulvet, lægger hurtigt mærke til et par velvoksne mælkekirtler som afstedkommer et par nervøse småtics hos fyrene syd for navlen. – Det er jo ingen hemmelighed, at du har fået lavet silikonebryster Lene. Og hvad siger I, hvad kan I bedst lide ve….. – Brysterne!! Flotte bryster. Meget flotte bryster!!, udbryder de.

Men lad os ikke trække pinen længere. Lene vælger meget overraskende den græske statue og sender den mindre klassisk skåret skikkelse hjem. Forinden skal han dog lige give hende et kram – og det er ømt. Han går nemlig ligeså tæt på han kan og giver hende et kram mens han pik dingler foran hendes skridt og vist også snitter det. Det er et rørende farvel, hvor man mistænker ham for lige at forsøge snige et halvt samleje ind, nu hvor han har tabt den store gevinst.

Så skal Morten og Lene på date. Ud og få nogle drinks. TV2 Zulu har naturligvis også sørget for et hotelværelse senere og der går heller ikke lang tid før de råsnaver i baren. Senere ser man dem forlade baren sammen hånd i hånd.

Knaldede de? Ja.

Et par uger efter skal de mødes i en sofa og gøre status. Lene virker stadig på. Morten lidt mindre. Han er dog ikke bleg for at fortælle seerne, at der er kommet et ekstra hak i sengekanten. – Skal I så ses igen? – Ja, altså, svarer Lene, det er jo ikke blevet så meget. Det er lidt ærgerligt, jeg vil jo gerne se hvordan Morten fester i Nordjylland. – Tja, nu må vi se, svarer Morten. – Hun er faktisk ikke rigtig min type. Shiiiiit. Først sweetalker han hende på baren, flækker hende et par gange på hotelværelset og losser hende så direkte på møddingen. Det er satme koldt. Og frækt!

Der er ikke meget mere at sige end, at jeg er forelsket. I det her program. Og i skrivende stund har jeg fugtige øjenkroge.

Date mig nøgen sendes mandage kl. 20.45 på TV2 Zulu

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