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Valgkampen har nu været i gang i godt to uger, og det er blevet tid til topmøde.

Topmøde, mand! Da TV2 annoncerede, at Odense skulle danne ramme om intet mindre end et politisk topmøde, var min første tanke, at nu kunne det hele ikke blive meget større. Midt i valgkampen har den gode gamle monopol-bryder sgu hentet solide folk som Merkel, Macron og Obama ind for at diskutere Danmarks rolle i forhold til de store internationale spørgsmål midt i bedste sendetid. Sådan!

Glem alt om, hvorvidt pensionsalderen skal være 86 eller 87 år, om dit barn har en eller to pædagoger til at fyre vælling i munden eller om vi skal have lidt lettelser i toppen så Laura Lindahl kan komme en tur under kniven – nu er det de virkelige store spørgsmål, der gælder. Nobelpris-agtige forslag og visioner fra ægte verdensledere! Yes we can! Wir fucking schaffen das! og hvad det alt sammen hedder. Hvilket scoop!

Men i fraværet af massivt sikkerhedsopbud, Secret Service-folk, limousiner og den summende rotorlyd fra kredsende politihelikoptere stod det hurtigt klart, at dagens panel trods alt nok var hentet en smule længere nede i fødekæden. Det havde simpelthen været for kort varsel for de allerstørste, måtte jeg konkludere. Fair nok. Det ville også være fint med ældre (og arbejdsløse) profiler som Blair, Schröder og Barosso.

I kan nok derfor forestille jer min skuffelse, da realiteterne kl. 20 for alvor gjorde sit indtog på skærmen og afslørede, at det politiske ”topmøde” i virkeligheden var mellem Lille Lars fra Græsted og rekonvalescenten ’Maveonde’ Frederiksen fra Grønlænderkvarteret i Aalborg.

I Højlunds Forsamlingshus.

Alright. Ganske vist en smule oversolgt af TV2 med den titel, men nu kunne jeg ligeså godt høre hvad de to bejlere til verdens mindst magtfulde embede havde på hylderne til os, the people.

Og helt uspændende var oplægget da heller ikke. For TV2 med Cecilie Beck i spidsen kunne nemlig præsentere et i dansk sammenhæng helt nyt debatformat mellem to statsministerkandidater; nemlig et vaskeægte ’town hall meeting’, som man kender det fra amerikanske præsidentdebatter, hvor helt almindelige dødelige vælgere kan stille kandidaterne spørgsmål, som de ikke kender på forhånd.

Vi er i gang.

En ældre herre jeg ikke kan huske navnet på åbner ballet med et spørgsmål til noget som Løkke vist er kommet til at skrive i en bette bog. Han vil nemlig gerne høre om S og V da ikke lige skulle til at finde sammen i en ordentlig tungeslasker, rejse væk på bryllupsrejse og så glemme alle de andre.

– Ja, Mette Frederiksen, hvad kan du svare til det, spørger Cecilie Beck. – Kunne det ikke være en ide med sådan et regeringssamarbejde hen over midten?

– No fucking way.

– Ok, hvad med dig Lars Løkke, hvad siger du? Du har jo leget lidt med tanken om en SV-regering i en ny bog du lige er kommet med her fra et par dage siden.

– Ja, altså jeg er bare bekymret for de der yderfløje der er ved at tegne sig lige nu. Vi har Paludan og Enhedslisten og det bekymrer mig rigtig meget. Jeg synes tiden er inde til at række ud mod hinanden og gøre os fri af al den ekstreme retorik vi hører lige nu. Men altså Mette, hun har jo smækket den lille dør jeg generøst har åbnet på klem lige i hovedet på mig. Så jeg ved ikke Cecilie. I øvrigt hedder den en VS-regering.

Men Frederiksen er kold og går direkte til modangreb: – Ved du hvad Lars, nu siger jeg noget jeg normalt ikke ville sige. Jeg synes simpelthen ikke du kan være bekendt at sammenligne søde Pernille Skipper med Paludan som brænder alle mulige bøger af. Enhedslisten er et sobert parti, som jeg er uenige med i en hel masse, men de overholder så vidt muligt Grundloven og så skal du ikke kæde dem sammen med Stram Kurs. Det kan du bare ikke være bekendt.

Og så leverer Løkke alletiders frække leverstød: – Jamen, jeg er glad for, at du er tilbage fra sygesengen og nu omsider tager afstand fra Stram Kurs. Booyah!!

Men han slutter ikke her: – Jeg nævner bare i al stilfærdighed, at vi på den ene side, har en enorm hadsk retorik fra Stram Kurs mod minoriteter og på den anden side et sammenrend af kommunister, leninister og trotskister, der vil proppe os allesammen i Gulag i overmorgen.

– Se nu gør du det igen, Lars, det kan du ikke være bek…

– Jaja, det er jo noget Sass Larsen selv har sagt i et interview, så det kommer nærmest fra dig selv, ik’. Nej, jeg er egentlig bare mere optaget af om du kan få et frihedsbrev til at lave nogle sociale ydelser med mig i en ny regering så vi ikke behøver flere 12 minutter og alt det der.

Så er det blevet tid til at høre fra Tine i salen. Hun er en smule bekymret for al den CO2-udledning som vi hele tiden belaster atmosfæren med og vil derfor gerne høre om de to kandidater ikke kunne tænke sig at hæve afgifterne på flybilletter.

Lars Løkke afviser straks ideen. Nu har han også chantet ‘skattestop, ikke skattehop’ i de sidste to uger og det skal ikke ødelægges af en klimaforvirret unge pige, der bare skal prise sig heldig at have fået 30 sekunder i rampelyset.

– Det er en fælleseuropæisk løsning det der. En isoleret dansk flyskat holder ikke. Det vil knuse flybranchens konkurrenceevne og betyde, at Kastrup må lukke i næste uge. Nej, vi skal en klimalov, fortsætter Løkke og udplyndrer dermed køligt SF for et af de forslag partiet igen og igen har nævnt siden valgkampens start. – En klimalov, hvor vi bredt i folketinget binder os til nogle mål, der virkelig batter.

Men Frederiksen har helt andre ambitiøse planer. – Tine, starter hun og vender sig om mod hende, jeg kan godt forstå du stiller det her spørgsmål. Nu skal du bare høre, jeg tror du vil blive glad for det jeg gerne vil give dig her i aften. Jeg vil nemlig gerne give dig en afgift på plastic. Det betyder rent konkret, at når du handler ind i supermarkedet og skal købe en plasticbærepose så skal du betale noget mere end i dag. Fedt, ik?

Løkke er ikke imponeret og henviser til, at hans regering har lovet en million grønne biler i 2030.

– Men CO2-niveauet steg jo i 2018 på din vagt, Lars, indvender Frederiksen.

– Der var tørke! Har jeg måske også ansvaret for tørke?! Prøv at hør, for nogle uger siden, der sendte jeg sammen med min ven Macron et brev til EU-kommisionen med en anbefaling om at redde jorden. Det er så vigtigt, at vi løser det her sammen i fællesskab.

– Et brev? udbryder Frederiksen. Det redder sgu ikke klimaet, Lars.

Og så er vi nået frem til velfærd. Førstegangsvælgeren Wesam på 18 år vil gerne vide, hvordan det hele vil se ud for hans forældre, når de engang bliver gamle.

– Det er jo heldigvis sådan at flere bliver ældre, starter Løkke, og at vi dermed lever længere. Det er fedt, og skidedyrt. Derfor har jeg afgivet et velfærdsløfte på 69 milliarder kr. I efterlod jo et underskud på 50 milliarder kroner som jeg har skulle rette op på de sidste 4 år. Løkke hiver herefter et krøllet papir frem fra inderlommen og har på nuværende tidspunkt allerede glemt Wesam. – Jeg har dokumentationen lige her. Se, Cecilie, dundrende underskud.

Men det der så sker nu er, at Frederiksen simpelthen laver en fucking Bill Clinton i stedet for at bide på Løkkes serviet med tal.

Kort fortalt skal vi tilbage til en præsidentdebat mellem Bill Clinton og George H. W. Bush i 1992, hvor en 25-årig kvinde ved navn Marisa Hall Summers stillede kandidaterne et spørgsmål om hvordan de hver i sær var påvirket af den nuværende økonomiske krise. Mens Bush, som var multimillionær dårlig nok kiggede på Summers og snakkede noget at det hele havde meget at gøre med rentesatser og at rige mennesker sandelig også var påvirket, gjorde Clinton lige fisse/empati-blikket klar, gik hen til Summers og smurte hende big time: – ’Jeg har set hvad der er sket de sidste 4 år i min stat Arkansas. Hvis der er nogen i min stat, der mister deres job, er der en god chance for at jeg ved hvem de er og hvis en fabrik lukker så kender jeg dem der ejer den’. Og med en imponerende personlig vennekreds på ca. 3 millioner mennesker i staten Arkansas så hev Clinton det stik hjem – og siden hele gevinsten.

Jeg kan virkelig godt forstå du stiller det spørgsmål Wesam, starter Frederiksen endnu engang, og afslører, at det er aftens planlagte faste indledning, uanset hvad der måtte komme af mærkelige spørgsmål. – Vi skal sikre, at folk får en værdig alderdom, at de kan trække sig tilbage i ordentlig tid, og at dine forældre altid kan få fois gras og champagne på plejehjemmet. Det er det jeg står for.

Løkkes papir er visnet. Han forsøger at anklage videre og aner ikke længere hvem Wesam er. Cecilie Beck forsøger at pointere, at det vist var lidt mere nuanceret med det ’underskud’ han overtog og at man kan få TV2 til at faktatjekke det efter programmet. – Jaja, lyder det irriteret fra Løkke, man kan også stå og pjatte med der her Cecilie, at I vil faktatjekke og alt muligt, men det er alvor. Det er mit trumfkort det her! Og hvad sker der lige med ham der Arne i jeres propagandamateriale der skal på pension? Er det ham? Eller hende Lotte fra jeres andre plakater? Det hænger ikke sammen!

Her er det et godt tidspunkt at zoome ud og forlade debatten. Mette Frederiksen fortsatte loyalt med ’jeg forstår godt du stiller det her spørgsmål’, udlændingeområde blev også berørt og der var lidt mere ‘hvem er den bedste leder’-retorik.

Aftenen sluttede dog af med det samlede indtryk, at Mette Frederiksen nok vandt på nærvær og oplagthed, mens Lars Løkke lignede en der ville sige ja til millionær-skat for at bare at blive vice-ældreminister i en ny S-regering.

’Topmøde’ sendes vist næste gang på DR under denne valgkamp og forekommer i øvrigt på vilkårlige tidspunkter og vilkårlige steder, når der enten er valg eller en siddende statsminister er trængt i meningsmålingerne.

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